Thursday, January 24, 2013

The Never-ending Twilight Review Pt 1: Initial Responses

So I read chapter one and the preface (I think she means prologue, but whatever, this is SMeyer we're talking about) and I've come to one conclusion:
Bella Swan is a bitch.
In the first chapter she describes another person as greasy and geeky, and then she goes on to monologue for three paragraphs about how she can't be arsed to remember names of her classmates, even though they've been kind enough to help her out.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Introduction to the Twilight Saga

Throughout my series on the Twilight Saga, I will be making short blog posts such as this one detailing something about my experiences with the series.
I first bought a paperback copy at Sam's Club about four months before the first movie was slated to be released. I didn't expect to like it.
And then the crack that those books are printed on kicked in.
I read that first book in less than a week. I bought the second one and devoured that one during a wake my family was attending.
Eclipse took me six hours to read, and then Breaking Dawn took almost six months.
The high from the crack that's in the paper for those books lasted for about a month.
And then I tried rereading the series and couldn't get past page three.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

On Books I Never Finished Reading

I know there are a lot of purists out there that would insist that, in order to review a book, one must FINISH the book first. Quite obviously, based on my videos and textual reviews, I don't agree. I believe that one should finish the book if, and only if, it's actually interesting and actually compels one to continue on.
Having said that, it should be noted that I always attempt to finish a book before I finish a review. In some cases, however, this proves impossible. It's just how I am. I'll start reading a book, get halfway through, and declare it uninteresting and on my bookshelf (or iPad) it'll sit until I go to make room for new purchases.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows was one such book. I got it on its release date and devoured PRECISELY half of it in about three hours, went to bed, woke up, and stuck it on the bookshelf after trying to read about four more pages and finding it completely uninteresting to me. And I had been enthralled just a few hours before.
Unfortunately, I know that I will be reading the entire books for at least the next five reviews.
But I also don't plan to hold back on the next five reviews.
Should start preliminary script writing for the Twilight review here in the next few hours. I anticipate this video to be a minimum of 15 minutes (script will be posted here for those too lazy to watch the video on youtube. Video may also be embedded here, haven't decided.) to a possible maximum of 45 minutes, depending on how in-depth I decide to get with my attack review

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Next Review

Holy fucking shit, did I just seriously write a second blog post for this bitch? You bet I did.
I just wanted to announce that the Book Bitch's next review will be Twilight, followed by New Moon, and then going in order to the end. I will also review The Host by Stephenie Meyer at the end of all this, and be DONE with SMeyer's crap forever. There may or may not be a special about the movies at the end of the Twilight reviews. May or may not.

Unenchanted Review -- Part Two

So I want to preface this by saying that I stopped reading in the middle of a scene when last I read any of this book, and I don't remember what the hell was happening. Nor do I think that this book deserves me going back to reread and try to figure out what the actual fuck, so if the beginning of this one seems a touch muddled, that's the reason.
Mina-Sue's in like a basement or something with a bunch of stones. I don't know. God this book is boring. I've read work safe fan fiction that was more interesting than this.

Honestly, I'm done.
I'll start reviewing something else in a couple days.
Final progress on "Unenchanted" by Chanda Hahn:
50% completed

Final words on it:
Boring, predictable, Over-the-top mary sue, would not recommend. Not even going to write an amazon review because it would be a waste of my time.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Unenchanted Reactions and Review Part 1 of 2

Unenchanted - An Unfortunate Fairy Tale
By Chanda Hahn

Hello, I'm your book bitch.
I want to start this out by saying that I tried. I tried really hard, but I could not get into this book. You see, I wanted to read something I could actually enjoy so you could see that i don't hate ALL books, but the books I've been picking lately have all been so horrible that I just.... I can't like them.
And you know what?
That's okay. Because the happy reviews will come eventually. I've got some really awesome things planned for the near future on this channel, we just need to keep trudging onward through the crap.
So anyway, today I'm gonna talk about "Unenchanted - An Unfortunate Fairy Tale" by Chanda Hahn.
The story begins as we meet Mina and her possibly deaf little brother? As he wakes her just a bit too late for school because their home had suffered a power outage. I say possibly deaf as it isn't made quite clear whether her seven year old brother doesn't speak because of deafness or because for some other reason he just doesn't know how.
Mina realizes shes gonna be late for school, so instead of fleeing and trying to get there on time, she stands there and argues with her mom over a permission slip. Yes, dear author, they're generally called permission slips, not permission forms.
Throughout the book, the writing gives the reader the impression that the authors first language is not English, and that the author has not been speaking it for long.
There are many, many commas that don't make sense, there's a lot of just plain awful grammar, and the names are, to put it lightly, just a little strange.
Anyway, Mina finally rushes off to school, only to arrive as the bus for her class' big field trip to a bakery is pulling out of the parking lot.
Her friend Nan- didn't I tell you the names were weird- sees her chasing after the bus and opens her window to chastise her about not having a cell phone. Because dumb blond? I don't know too many best friends who would take so much time and joy in laughing at her friend about her lack of a cell phone as she obviously struggles to catch the bus.
About ten stupid whiny blond jokes later, she finally gets the driver to stop the bus so Mina can get on.
Did I mention that Mina is INSANELY unpopular and not very well liked by anyone, also clumsy but totally sweet?
From now on, I think I'll call Mina "Mina sue."
Anyway, at the bakery, Mina sue sees some weird shit going on between the tour guide and Brody, the object of her unrequited affection. So she does what any normal teen would do in this situation- she pushes him off a plot device! I mean, a catwalk over.... Something.
So I read the about the author, and apparently she's from Portland, well originally from Seattle. Also, she supposedly was a librarian. You would think a librarian would have a decent grasp of the English language, but apparently not.
Mina sue grabs his backpack strap as he's falling and manages to save him- for all of three seconds before realizing that she's small and not very strong, and so she starts sliding over the rails, too.
Thankfully, Nan actually uses her brain and grabs onto Mina sue, keeping her on the catwalk, but not by much. The rest of the class jumps in and together they save Brody's life. They hurry to end the tour and t he tour guide blames it all on the kids being rowdy and a cable snapping. Mmm, yeah, seems legit.
The next day her mom wakes her up early and she agrees to take some folder to Brody's house for her while her mom brings her brother to daycare. She then manages to get herself locked into the bathroom, making her late for school again.
Wilhelmina sue, of course, is thrown an assembly the next day which local media outlets attend simply to interview her. Naturally, Mina sue decides that she doesn't wanna do them because she'll fuck them up.
Personally, i agree. You don't deserve to be interviewed, Mina sue. Well, exempt maybe by the cops.
I call bullshit at the idea that multiple students would want her autograph after all that. Total bullshit. She's not a celebrity. Methinks the author has some need to live vicariously through a bumbling sue.

As someone who is still relatively fresh out of high school, I'll tell you now that most kids aren't that easily excitable. In fact, I'm willing to bet that the tragically bullied Mina sue probably would continue to be bullied following such an incident.
I should note, as it is well worth noting, that this review was written in real time, as I read the book.
It is revealed that Mina sues little brother is mute, but there's nothing wrong with him otherwise. Physically, at least.
OH WOW. ULTIMATE SUE. she's actually a Grimm, as in brothers Grimm, and there's some kind of curse that follows the grimms, killing them.
Naturally, I suspect that Mina sue is going to survive.
Naturally, Mina sue wants to face this problem head on. What next, we find out she's all powerful?
Ok so she's not all powerful, but suddenly the most popular and sexy boy in school is all eyes on her, giving her rides and stuff.
Someone with a wolf tattoo
She starts looking for a book called the Grimoire, which is some collection of stories of what her family has gone through in the past. Because reasons.
It does actually begin to get a bit more interesting and engaging when she tells Nan about the curse and the Grimoire, but quickly devolves into her stumbling around alone. Again.
Lets talk about this line: ...scattered dust particles everywhere. They were on her clothes and in the air making her sneeze, but she didn't care.

Who the actual fuck says DUST PARTICLES? IT'S FUCKING DUST.

There will be a part two to this blog. It's just gotten far too long.