I Hate Myselfie Book Review Notes

Impressions on first couple of chapters/essays: Bad attempts at shock humor a la Denis Leary
He describes himself as a twat, which I would honestly tend to agree with
Okay the third one actually had me laughing.
Twice.
Lisa is hilarious. Shane tries too hard.
The oddly sexual way he refers to his teenage self makes this a very uncomfortable read.
Abloobloobloo he had sympathy/guilt for his bully. Whatthefuckever.
Okay, why isn't the rest of this written as well as the essay about his grandma?
Birthday Suit was OK too I guess
Lol'd heartily at Internet Famous
How to Survive A Horror Movie was lame as fuck
He's way too sympathetic with everything.
"I think the devil is in me and I'm going to shit him out!"
Fuck you Shane Dawson I laughed way too damned hard at Strange Addictions
So he got fired from his job for doing something he shouldn't have been doing while on the clock and then got mad about it? Dumbass!
Astral Projection was lame
Just a Pretty Face was trying too hard
Leg Twin, more like dickcheese Dawson
Shocktuber was surprisingly thoughtful and well-written.
Ended on a meh note overall.

The Merciless 2 Notes

Been a few weeks, I've been busy, let's just get right into this, shall we?
Spoilers, duh.

Thrown right into the action with minimal explanatory exposition. YAY!
Sofia is fucked straight up after the events of the last book
Looks like Vega killed the mom in the first chapter. Good on you, Vega.
The grief is written heartbreakingly, but not believably.
Chapter 3 is painful as fuck.
Ugh. Gatsby. Fuck.
Sutton and Leena? Ok, miss Vega. You're officially the uberhipster.
"You look like you'd be good with a nail gun, Sofia..."
Bitch broke Leena's leg.
She killed Leena's dumbass bunny.
Can already see shit not ending well for Sof and Jude.
Holy shit she killed Leena.
She witnessed Jude getting whipped for the Lord and STILL thinks it's a good idea to tell him what she did.
Shit has hit the fan. What will Jude do?
Oooooooooh he's gonna torture her.
OMFG HE'S USING ONE OF THOSE PEAR GAG THINGS
HE BRANDED HER NECK HOLY SHIT
she broke her own arm. Ow. wtf.
Some unbelievable action. Wtf.
Heeeeeeeere's Johnny! ~ Jude @ Sis Lauren & Sof
So wait, Brooklyn did all the non-Jude depraved shit?
Really?
Oh. So she's crazy. Utterly insane.
Cop out + predictable.
Brooklyn is dead, Sofia is nuts, this book hit 100% lame in a damn hurry.

Survive The Night Review Notes

The Bitch is back, baby. Weekly reviews since mid-August now, Tingle Tuesdays verging on its third week, and Fanfiction Fridays starting up soon? Why not toss another weekly thing on myself! Fridays will also have me releasing one book/story/fanfiction's review notes. These are the notes I jot while reading so I can come up with a review.
THERE ARE SPOILERS. Especially in the first few of these.

Watch the review on youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fVuEKiUhIFc

Oh goodie. We open with exposition by the ton. At least it’s done a bit less cliché, well, except for the main character deciding to look in a damn mirror for description.
Oh goodie. It’s druggie Bella Swan. Casey Myrtle, who wears a turtle necklace.
Ex
Po
Si
Tion
I don’t give a fuck about these girls and I’m like 90% sure they’re not gonna matter after the beginning here.
Casey is an idiot, calling it now (page 5)
Why is “The Merciless” on the back cover?
Instantly dates itself by mentioning The Voice. Don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad one.
The teen dialogue is believable. Vega understands how teens act, at least.
Shana: This show is the crap that crap craps out.
I like Shana.
Shana is obviously seen as a BAD GIRL™ and therefore must be ULTRA stereotype.
Page 21. “Fuck” is uttered. Perhaps there is hope for this one yet.
Danielle Vega’s stuff is oddly steeped in religious stuff. Not really weird, but odd to see in mainstream fiction.
Shana is Eviscerus wrapped in Ash’s mannerisms. (things that won’t make sense to most of the world haha)
Casey is in love with a band member in the worst named band I’ve ever heard of. “Feelings Are Enough.”
The dude named his riding lawnmower “Matilda.”
And hope is lost for Shana with one hokey speech.
There’s a rave called “Survive The Night.” And people atend it. Ooooooh so scare. *eyeroll*
So… this book is about stupid kids.
Casey is thinking with her dick.
I will give Vega this much: She does write an interesting, if cliché and trope-y, story.
Casey thinking with her dick immediately backfires. Shock, surprise.
Man cannot live on bread alone, Casey.
What about pancakes? (Page 67)
P69 they decide to be stupid for really reals.
We’re trapped down here until 5AM. Oh yeah. So cool. Best. Rave. EVER!!!
They play messy twister. Is this really what raves are like?
Feelings Are Enough is seriously the dumbest band name omfg
Oh good, Casey is drugged.
Because she was thinking with her dick.
Shana is a cunt. Shana drugged her.
I still love Shana.
She’s on acid or something.
Oh shit she’s drugged and just found her dead friend.
YAY GRAPHIC GORE
I LOVE HOW GRAPHIC VEGA’S WRITING GETS.
Oh shit, was it a hallucination? Did I get trolled by a book?
I STILL think Sam’s behind it.
Is Julie dead now or nah?
So graphic. Love it. Love.
She dead.
Omfg what cunts. Both Sam and Shana.
Wowwwwww. Casey has some terrible luck. She is hella unlucky when it comes to finding bodies.
They’re STILL fucked. They found a door filled with rats.
Aya got Darth Maul’d.
What the fuck.
I’ve seen enough hentai to know where this is going. (Page 198)
RIP in peace, Woody
And Shana’s dead
And Sam is too
Oh shit. Shana zombambo’d
Casey’s friendsies with Madison again?

The B*tch is Back, Baby

I’m going to attempt to revive this blog. I don’t know if I’ll really have the time to do it, but it’d be kinda cool to be able to update you with the random shit I’m doing for the channel since I’m not big on twitter or anything. If nothing else, I’ll transcribe my book notes here so you can see my raw reaction to whatever shit I’m reading. Sound good?

I suppose this will also be a good spot for me to try to clarify what I say in my rants, as I know sometimes I am not all that clear. And it’ll be a good spot to actually announce theme months (such as December being Holiday-Themed Porn Month! Details coming soon).

Blood and Chocolate

Mixed feelings for this book. Most of them good, some bad…
Will be doing a video review of it for Sunday with a short update video on Wednesday.

Sunday's Video News

Hey guys, the Bitch here, just wanted to give you a heads up that I might not have a video made for Sunday. I just recently found IRL employment and it kinda cuts straight into my video-making time of the day (this will change as my sleep schedule evens out again) so there might not be a new video until Wednesday.

Laughing at Haters

It's actually really very funny when people decide that, because I didn't like something they liked or because they're friends with someone who wrote something I didn't like, they'll white knight for that person and try to get me to shut up.
I will not shut up. The harder you try to silence me, the louder I will yell. I do not take kindly to people attempting to silence me for my opinion. If I say that something reads as though a 7 year old wrote it, that is my opinion. I am entitled to it. I can post a video expressing that opinion if I so choose.
Calling me a bully after bitching at me about my choices and the fact that I have 9 subscribers on youtube (for a REASON, says one fellow!) is kinda hypocritical.
You will never silence the Book Bitch. If you want to change my mind about something, that is not the way to do it.

Don't Read John Green's The Fault In Our Stars

Just don't read it.
You will fall in love.
You will find yourself falling in love with the characters. And then it happens.

And then you'll sob.


So if you value your emotional health, don't read TFIOS.
But-

If you're in the mood for a good cry and have a weekend to yourself, read it. Read it and sob and laugh and anguish over the whole thing's existence.

Currently Reading...

Currently reading:
The Fault in Our Stars by John Green
Blood and Chocolate by Annette Curtis Klause
Sweetblood by Pete Hautman

Currently listening to:
Twilight (Stephenie Meyer) as read by some really boring-voiced lady

Currently Writing:
Smitten (book 1 of 3)
Book Bitch scripts

The Future of the Book Bitch

The Youtube videos are coming back!
Very, very soon!
I'm working on a new series that will, hopefully, update twice per week.
More details to follow.

The Bitch will be back on Youtube soon!

For a short video showing off my office!
And my mobile library.
My next for reals review of a book on video will probably not be for another month however.
Details tomorrow in the video!

Scary Mary by S.A. Hunter

I've just finished reading Scary Mary, and I've got to say I wasn't impressed. That isn't to say that it isn't a decent book, because it is. In fact, if it had just a bit more editing, it would be quite good. But it has quite a few instances of Classic Hockings (that is, when there is very noticeably a random word missing in a sentence, and it's a word that really should be there) and many sentences that are a comma away from being grammatically perfect. 

The basic plot: Mary lives with her Gran, who tells fortunes and communicates with the dead for profit. Mary isn't really well liked at school because of this (and other reasons) and is called a freak. She starts to become friends with Cy, a new kid in school. Her rival, Vicky, a cheerleader, immediately starts plotting a way to separate the two, and eventually succeeds when Cy invites Mary over during a school dance. 

She decides to show Cy what a freak Mary is by coercing her into trying to channel River Phoenix on a Ouija board. They succeed in channeling a spirit, but it's definitely not River Phoenix. When the spirit turns out to be homicidal and Mary tries to warn Cy about this, he shuts her out. 

I won't give away anything further than that in case you want to read this book, but past that it gets extremely predictable and some of the references made are a bit dated. The teenagers don't really talk like teens (outside of some of the wild things that Mary tells her guidance counselor, who reads as more of a stalker than a guidance counselor) and the pacing is a bit wonky. 

Honestly, I probably will read the sequel at a later date, but overall this book was pretty forgettable. It was a nice little diversion, and definitely a good way to ease my way back into reading and reviewing for the general public, but it will not be making any top 10 lists of mine anytime soon, unless it's the top 10 meh books list.

Twilight and why I'm taking a youtube hiatus

So I dropped the ball with the Twilight reviews. I could see it coming, but I didn't wanna tell y'all because I thought I might still be able to do it.
I will still be updating this blog when I've got a new book reviewed, and eventually I will retry the Twilight series for reviews.
Until then, I welcome you to send me book suggestions.
If you are a writer and need a book review, an honest book review, send me an email with a .mobi or .epub copy of your book and I'll add it to my reading pile.
My email is youobviouslydidnttryatall@gmail.com
I'll read anything- well, I'll try at least.

The Twilight Two-Month Review Extravaganza Week One Schedule of Events:

March 1st:
Chapters 1-5 Commentary video posted

March 2nd:
Chapters 1-5 Commentary blog part 1 posted

March 3rd:
Chapters 1-5 Commentary blog part 2 posted
Chapters 6-11 Commentary video posted

March 4th:
Chapters 6-11 Commentary blog posted

Twilight Series Update!

I've made it through the first chapter of Twilight. Many bottles suffered. As did many trees. It's SO TERRIBLE, THOUGH.

I DO apologize most sincerely to those of you who would rather I just hurry up and be done with it and get on to more terrible examples of why not everyone can be a writer. I shall read something for you. Quite soon.

The Never-ending Twilight Review Pt 1: Initial Responses

So I read chapter one and the preface (I think she means prologue, but whatever, this is SMeyer we're talking about) and I've come to one conclusion:
Bella Swan is a bitch.
In the first chapter she describes another person as greasy and geeky, and then she goes on to monologue for three paragraphs about how she can't be arsed to remember names of her classmates, even though they've been kind enough to help her out.

Introduction to the Twilight Saga

Throughout my series on the Twilight Saga, I will be making short blog posts such as this one detailing something about my experiences with the series.
I first bought a paperback copy at Sam's Club about four months before the first movie was slated to be released. I didn't expect to like it.
And then the crack that those books are printed on kicked in.
I read that first book in less than a week. I bought the second one and devoured that one during a wake my family was attending.
Eclipse took me six hours to read, and then Breaking Dawn took almost six months.
The high from the crack that's in the paper for those books lasted for about a month.
And then I tried rereading the series and couldn't get past page three.

On Books I Never Finished Reading

I know there are a lot of purists out there that would insist that, in order to review a book, one must FINISH the book first. Quite obviously, based on my videos and textual reviews, I don't agree. I believe that one should finish the book if, and only if, it's actually interesting and actually compels one to continue on.
Having said that, it should be noted that I always attempt to finish a book before I finish a review. In some cases, however, this proves impossible. It's just how I am. I'll start reading a book, get halfway through, and declare it uninteresting and on my bookshelf (or iPad) it'll sit until I go to make room for new purchases.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows was one such book. I got it on its release date and devoured PRECISELY half of it in about three hours, went to bed, woke up, and stuck it on the bookshelf after trying to read about four more pages and finding it completely uninteresting to me. And I had been enthralled just a few hours before.
Unfortunately, I know that I will be reading the entire books for at least the next five reviews.
But I also don't plan to hold back on the next five reviews.
Should start preliminary script writing for the Twilight review here in the next few hours. I anticipate this video to be a minimum of 15 minutes (script will be posted here for those too lazy to watch the video on youtube. Video may also be embedded here, haven't decided.) to a possible maximum of 45 minutes, depending on how in-depth I decide to get with my attack review

Next Review

Holy fucking shit, did I just seriously write a second blog post for this bitch? You bet I did.
I just wanted to announce that the Book Bitch's next review will be Twilight, followed by New Moon, and then going in order to the end. I will also review The Host by Stephenie Meyer at the end of all this, and be DONE with SMeyer's crap forever. There may or may not be a special about the movies at the end of the Twilight reviews. May or may not.

Unenchanted Review -- Part Two

So I want to preface this by saying that I stopped reading in the middle of a scene when last I read any of this book, and I don't remember what the hell was happening. Nor do I think that this book deserves me going back to reread and try to figure out what the actual fuck, so if the beginning of this one seems a touch muddled, that's the reason.
Mina-Sue's in like a basement or something with a bunch of stones. I don't know. God this book is boring. I've read work safe fan fiction that was more interesting than this.

Honestly, I'm done.
I'll start reviewing something else in a couple days.
Final progress on "Unenchanted" by Chanda Hahn:
50% completed

Final words on it:
Boring, predictable, Over-the-top mary sue, would not recommend. Not even going to write an amazon review because it would be a waste of my time.